mother of all nightmares

“Sadly, No!”, one of my favorite blogs, has extensively covered the hilarious hijinks of well-known conservative and powdered-ranch-dressing-mix-addict Amber Pawlik, including the various horrors of her “Recipe” section. No one seems to have mentioned the following recipe, though. I can’t imagine why. It’s Pure Pawlik: utterly disgusting, featuring store-bought convenience items, and having the creamy, dairy-heavy texture of a giant bukkake pie! Also, it has cream cheese. All it’s missing to be the perfect Pawlik recipe is powdered ranch mix. Anyway, without further ado…

MOAD – Mother of All Desserts.
I didn’t have a name for this dessert, so my boyfriend’s friend named it the Mother of All
Desserts. It is. Make sure to get a big glass of milk.

INGREDIENTS
1 thing of cookie dough from the store
8 oz. Cream Cheese
Sugar
Chocolate pudding mix
Half and half

Forgive me, but I don’t have exact measurements for this recipe. Get a circle baking pan. Cook the cookie dough as a layer, for the amount of time the wrapper says to cook for large cookies. Mix the cream cheese (let it sit out for a little for ease) and sugar. I usually make the mistake of not putting enough sugar in. There probably is an exact amount you should put in, but I don’t know it. Keep stirring until saturation is my recommendation. Then, make the chocolate pudding with half and half instead of milk. I don’t know the exact size of the half n’ half. Get the size that the box would ordinarily call for if you were using milk. When the cookie dough comes out, spread the cream cheese mix over it. Then pour the pudding on top. LET REFRIGERATE FOR A LITTLE BIT. It really is better when cool. Cool it for about 2 hours, should be good.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!!!!

Oh, you’re back! Excuse me, I was just projectile-vomiting.

I think the name may be the best thing about this recipe. It’s so charmingly close to Choad, which the Urban Dictionary defines as “Usually penis, penis wider than it is long, or the area between the penis and anus. Taken from colloquial Spanish. i.e., lick my choad.” Few phrases fit Amber Pawlik better than “usually penis”.

” I usually make the mistake of not putting enough sugar in.” is pretty funny too. Who wants sugar breaking up the creamy unctuousness of solid cream cheese under a layer of pudding made with cream instead of milk? This is one of these deserts that, if stirred enough, would separate into a solids and a glossy, greasy layer of butterfat. All that’s missing is ice cream on top. You know, to make it A La MOAD.

*snicker*

For a woman who believes that women out to be returned to the kitchen, Spamber is an amazingly awful cook.

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One Response to “mother of all nightmares”

  1. John Says:

    utterly disgusting, featuring store-bought convenience items, and having the creamy, dairy-heavy texture of a giant bukkake pie!

    Things I don’t need to read while eating lunch!!!

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