blowhard for mayor!


The Newly Elected Mayor of San Antonio, Texas

In yesterday’s runoff election, San Antonio’s syphilitic, drunken illiterates elected 70 year old coot Phil Hardberger to the office of Mayor, thus narrowly averting a nightmare of visionary and growth-oriented leadership under Julian Castro, a known radical left-wing pro-business centrist and person under the age of 50 (and probable communist, homosexual, and clone). Hardberger, who ran on a comprehensive platform of drainage ditch repair, sprucing up our parks, and talking constantly (if vaguely) about ‘leadership’, lost the regular election to Castro by a narrow enough margin to force a runoff under rules carved on a toilet stall at the Alamo in 1784 designed to ensure that a popular candidate will lose in a low-turnout runoff election. Unfortunately, voting more than once in a given two year period would be a violation of San Antonio’s strict Anti-Involvement ordinance, which sets firm limits on activities which might be construed as “people acting in their own rational self-interest” and instead requires high levels of “taco eating” activities that enhance our city’s hard-earned reputation for obesity, laziness, and ignorance. Out of fear of violating the ordinance (and therefore being beaten to death by “San Antonio’s Finest”), most demographic groups stayed away from the polls. The notable exception was a demographic commonly known as “Angry Old White Coots”.

Mayor Hardberger could not be reached for comment on his victory, because he was watching Matlock.

We look forward to San Antonio’s continued slide into third-world conditions….only now, with better drainage!

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