Archive for August, 2005

the unbearable suckiness of being

August 31, 2005

There’s a lot going on in the news lately, and normally I would comment on it, but it’s started to all blur together into this one giant oppressive realization about the suckiness of the world, and when I think about it I get so agitated that I can’t really come up with anything reasonable or trenchant to say. I mean, really, what is there to say about the Bush Administration at this point? Worst president ever! What to say about Africa? Virginity tassels and multiple wives and patriarchy and rape and (surprise!) HIV, which gets blamed on decadent European feminism and homosexuality and the Episcopal Church’s one gay bishop. Entire continent full of patriarchal bullshit! What to say about America? Wal-mart mouth-breathers ascendant! Freedom in the toilet and about to be flushed! The end of the Enlightenment, ignorance and superstition triumphant! Please let me come live in Canada! End of essay.

So anyway, you can see that when I think about current affairs, I go a little crazy.

Isn’t Isaac cute? We are so in love with him. It’s really astonishing how helpless and fragile human babies are. One almost wonders how we survived prehistory as a species. Our young can’t really do anything for themselves for several years. Like 24 years, in my case.

I locked my keys in my car yesterday. It was really awesome. I continually amaze myself.

Sorry if I’ve been a bad blogger lately. In addition to going insane at the mere mention of current events, I have picked up a consulting gig in addition to my regular job, and so am required to spend my evening working rather than writing long, thoughtful post that go unread by anyone except Blue Girl, Pinko Punko and Grishaxxx. And that bastard Capt. Trollypants.

Once this project is delivered, I promise to be back and worse than ever!

Oh my goodness. Vesus is ascendant!

August 29, 2005

…and all the Republic of Dogs fave topics are wrapped into one post, that, if it weren’t so absurd, would make me really sad. To sum up: sexuality, religion, Free Republic. I think I know who is contantly degrading me this week! Isaac, young Isaac, please do not let these people harsh your newborn buzz, we love ya little guy, and we won’t these people take over the world.

Read on.

welcome to our world

August 29, 2005

This is the newest member of my family, my brother’s first child.

Isaac Anthony
28 August 2005
8 lbs. 1 oz.
Greeted with great love and hope…

It’s Friday Afternoon, And Happy Bunny Says…

August 26, 2005

For all of you out there enduring the constant oppression and bitchery of evil bosses. For the downtrodden, swimming in a cesspool of shallow souls and crappy collegues. For all little people made to suffer through endless viewing of stifling power point presentations while middle managers write memos no one reads. . . Happy Bunny has a few words of wisdom.

Angels Ponder Deep Thoughts While Fighting The Culture Wars

August 25, 2005

Resting in blue girl’s boudoir, $2.00 Amish Country Angels received in sarcasm from the mother-in-law years ago, ponder not only the degradation of humanity, but also male dignity and how it is compromised by the female impersonator. And they are not even astonished that a simple coffee cup could inspire such deep thoughts. It’s the little things each day, created by mere mortals that inspire the Angels. It keeps them busy. Their pondering and praying is a lot of work.

They look rested, but they are totally burned out. There’s so much to ponder. So much to pray for.

The Amish Country Angel on the Right also prays for the Amish Country Angel on the Left — knowing that her pose is intended to be suggestive on purpose specifically for this photo shoot.
She is the Pamela Anderson of the Amish Country Angels. All the Angels know she’s a total slut.

You say Amish Angel on the Left doesn’t look like a she? Ahhhh. You could be right. I think he may be just acting like a woman.

Blue Girl’s Amish Country Angels watch over you, Res! And pray for you to recruit many, many robot workers and unpolluted minds to buy your new merchandise. After all, *conform” is such a pleasing message.

Especially to the Amish Country Angel on the Right.

Food Network: Who Do I Hate Today?

August 25, 2005

Because you didn’t ask and never will, here’s my rundown on the various personalities featured on the Food Network.

Although I find him scary-looking, Mario Batali seems like one of the few Food Network personalities that might actually be a nice guy in person. Aren’t there doctors that can help with that sweat problem?

Rachel Ray is pure evil. I will grant, however, that she models some really good habits to help novice cooks avoid common pitfalls (Gather your ingredients before you start cooking, time management, stuff like that) She’s still an horrible harpy, though, and she will die alone.

Tyler Florence needs to stick it in immediately, because he is a fucking stud. His style of cooking is very near to mine, which is reason #6,428 why he and I should get married. Tomorrow.

As much as I try to hate Alton Brown, I am a total kitchen-science nerd, and some of his episodes have been really informative. I love Shirley Corriher’s books for the same reason. Alton’s enthusiasm for gimmicky plastic kitchen gadgetry and his horkishly forced “zaniness” make me nauseous. But I still watch.

Bobby Flay is everything I hate about straight guys, all wadded up and compressed into one small and extremely annoying white man. He is such a fuck-tard, and I would pick a fight with him with a quickness. Also, all he does is grill. I am a native of Texas, so unless you’re like grilling yeti filet over heated moon rocks, you won’t impress me by grilling.

I have deeply conflicted feelings about Ina Garten. She’s the kind of person I could be friends with…if she didn’t so obviously dwell in a completely different socioeconomic universe. Also, her “simple chic” occasionally slides into just plain “simple”.

The Iron Chefs are all gods astride this world of mere mortals. I worship and adore them, because you know you have a pretty hefty pair to serve up some of that shit with a straight face. Carp ice cream? Why yes, I’ll have two scoops!

Sara Moulton. Dullest. Person. Ever.

I’m emailing Jaime Oliver right now to invite him to join Tyler Florence and me for some hot man-on-man-on-man action.

Bobby Rivers and Sandra Pinckney were decanted from the same cloning vat. They were genetically engineered to hawk tacky commercial shit in the most bland and inoffensive manner possible.

Marc Summers is the white version of Bobby Rivers, with a dash of that Al Roker “zing” added for good measure. He always looks like his makeup is melting off, and his smile betrays his fear of death. He creeps me out in a major way. Unless he marries Rachel Ray, they will both die alone. Also, his show “Unwrapped” is a shameless apologia for all of the corporate, mass-produced, unhealthy low-quality factory food to which almost every single one of the Food Network chefs are vocally opposed. But Marc will show you that mass-produced industrial food is just good, clean fun.

I totally heart Paula Deen. I know she probably seems hokey and trashy to non-southerners, but she strikes me as genuine, and I like her self-effacing style. She’s like Ina Garten with the stick pulled out of her ass.

When Al Roker dies, he will go straight to hell, where he will be made to pay far out the ass for his many, many sins.

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August 25, 2005

I am proud to announce the release of a new generation of commemorative and devotional t-shirts/prole-uniforms with which citizens of the Great and Glorious Republic of Dogs may festoon their pale, emaciated bodies!

These products feature the same unoriginal logo as the last line of products, but with a new motto! If you can’t read what it says, you’ve probably polluted your mind with doubleplus ungoodthink and should be shot in the head, but I’ll translate it for you anyway. Surrounding the Great Seal of the Eternal Praetor of the Republic, featuring His Blood-Drenched Iron Fist of Destiny, is the word “CONFORM” translated into the perfect and universal language of the robot workers who will be the citizens of Our Great Republic (as soon as the Grand Eternal Praetor has crushed the life out of the rest of you) – binary!

Oh yeah, the front of the shirt says “Your prompt obedience is appreciated” and has the URL for this site in tiny little letters.

All citizens of a truly revolutionary spirit will purchase one or more of these products immediately! And believe me, someone is watching to make sure you do. Maybe your kids, maybe your mechanic, maybe your cat. Long story short, buy one, or I’ll find out about it and you’ll find yourself in Room 101 before you can say “oil shortage”, you traitorous bastards.

I feel pretty!

August 25, 2005

I am totally famous. Neil Shakespeare, of the eponymous blog, has created the first Official Presidential Portrait to hang in the Grand Praetorian Palatial MegaplexXxX of the Republic of Dogs!

Can you tell that I don’t feel like writing today?

August 25, 2005

It’s all quotes and poached images today, kids.

“There is one simple Divinity found in all things, everything has Divinity latent within itself. For she enfolds and imparts herself even unto the smallest beings. Without her presence nothing would have being, because she is the essence of the existence of the first unto the last being.”

Giordano Bruno, The Expulsion of the Triumphant Beast (1582)

Mother of the World

August 25, 2005

by Nicholas Roerich, 1930.