Archive for September, 2005

About Tom Delay

September 30, 2005

Other have had a lot of smart and insightful things to say, but I just wanted to add one little fact that I haven’t seen mentioned.

By any objective standard, what Tom Delay did in Texas is gerrymandering. Like so many other things that we conventionally considered “wrong” before the GOP’s New Morality swept the nation, gerrymandering used to be thought of as a serious threat to our democracy. Not today, of course. Today, if you’re a Republican and you can pull it off, Jesus must think its okay.

I just thought I’d mention that.

Advertisements

We! Are! Family!

September 30, 2005

A more comprehensive chart, based on my ongoing research:

help a sister out

September 29, 2005

I don’t know if you guys read Shakespeare’s Sister, but for my money she’s one of the best bloggers around. If either a) she was a guy, or b) the world wasn’t a patriarchal bunghole, she’d be all gigantical like Kos, because she’s good.

Speaking of “my money”, however…. Yesterday was pretty sucky for Shakes. She lost her job and got cornholed by the Tax Man. So like any one of us at some point, she could use a little help from her friends. She’s asking for donations, and seeing as how tomorrow is payday, I’m going to send a few of my meager shillings her way. I hope you’ll consider doing the same. You can make a donation to support her and her superb blog via PayPal or Amazon.

Also, those of you in the Chicago area can keep an eye out for job leads. You can check out her resume here.

It’s really very little to ask…a few clicks, a few dollars. I’d like to think that a few bloggers would do the same for me (even though my blog pretty much blows).

Everyone needs a little help sometimes.

the real netroots, revised!

September 29, 2005

This will probably destroy my template once and for all, but I don’t care. Neddie Jingo has inspired me to document our bloggly heritage, lest we forget.

Now revised to address all your whining and complaining!

The Republic of Dogs Freedom Corndog for Excellence in Political Commentary Awards, 2005

September 29, 2005

You know, there are a lot of fancy “bloggers” out there who like to write political commentary that’s “thoughtful” and “informative” and “accurate”.

Thankfully, you won’t find any of that bullshit here. No, the Republic of Dogs is all about what I think and feel right at this very moment. It’s also about a whole lot of unnecessarily vulgar language, plus a bunch of shit-talkin’ about those limp-wristed commies over at 3Bulls!

But I digress. In order to encourage the growth and development of totally insane and time-wasting pseudo-commentary like mine, I am proud to announce the first recipient of The Republic of Dogs Freedom Corndog for Excellence in Political Commentary:

Mr. Bobby Lightfoot!

The post for which is Corn Dog is awarded exemplifies all the values for which the Republic of Dogs so proudly stands: frippery, snarkishness, passive-aggression, and poor formatting. I can only hope that one day, our cherished tradition of lo-qual, high-point-size commentary will be unfurled ‘cross all the great, wide blogosphere, enveloping bloggers everywhere in its golden blow glow.

I am an international phenomenon.

September 28, 2005

Well, okay, perhaps that’s a tiny understatement. However, I just noticed that SiteMeter has this really cool function that tells you where your visitors are physically located. Imagine my surprise at learning that not only do I have more than 5 readers, but some of them are abroad!

So shout out to the guy or girl who just visited from Hong Kong, and to the Brazilian from earlier this morning. Also, to whoever visits on a semi-regular basis from Australia.

On the other hand, fuck off, you dirty pig in Lahore, Pakistan, who found this blog via an MSN Search for “free dog sex”. And let me go ahead and extend that “FUCK YOU” to MSN Search, which is apparently the official search engine of fuckwads who find my blog by searching for barnyard sex sites. Why, Microsoft, why?? I’m a fucking MCP, for christsakes. I would think that one of the benefits of certification might be something like “We won’t arbitrarily send loads of sick-ass fringe-porn-seekers to your blog through our search engine!” But I would apparently be mistaken.

Okay, whew, enough of that. Anyway, to my international readers (and the rest of you shmucks), thanks for reading, stick around, and leave a comment every once in a while.

Oh, and have a nice day.

Thanks, Blogger! You’re the BEST!!

September 28, 2005

Huzzah! I am once again “403 – Forbidden” from viewing my own damn blog!

Speaking of things unfit for human consumption…

September 28, 2005

Thanks to the severely brilliant and underappreciated Cakehead, I am able to keep abreast of major developments in food technology. Like this one:

Perhaps you never considered how oppressed we all are by the dreary un-sliceability of peanut butter. If not, then you, my friend, are an idiot and probably a communist too.

In the grand tradition of the American food industry, Kennedy Foods has applied the time-tested formula wherin you change the normal form of a common food and then wrap it in 68 square meters of plastic packaging to make it FUN! This shit is not only FUN!, though; it’s FUNNER! In the following press release, you will note the gross abuse of English language, which indicates that these slices of congealed fat will be marketed to directly to children using time-tested food marketing strategies that degrade the mind and the body!

P.B. Slices™ makes peanut butter “funner”

Kansas City, Mo., September 28, 2005 – No more double-dipping in the peanut butter jar or peanut butter covered utensils on the counter. Peanut butter just got “funner.” Finding an easy, portion-controlled way to eat peanut butter was something consumers didn’t know they needed until P.B. Slices™ came along. Individually wrapped peanut slices, P.B. Slices is one of the hottest products available in supermarkets.

The product is the creation of Stewart Kennedy, president of Kennedy Foods, who came up with the idea for sliced peanut butter during an evening with friends.

“As a peanut butter fan, I wanted to find a way I could eat peanut butter without a mess,” says Kennedy. “P.B. Slices makes it easy to eat peanut butter numerous ways.”

Kennedy knew his first challenge would be to make peanut butter “unsticky.” So, he started testing the stickiness of peanut butter in his kitchen. His testing then moved to the Oklahoma State University Food and Agricultural Products Research and Technology Center. Creating P.B. Slices took Kennedy and the OSU team more than four years, 5,000 pounds of peanut butter and 432 formulations before developing the perfect P.B. Slices.

Consumers of all ages are finding ways to enjoy P.B. Slices, including by itself, on a cracker, wrapped around an apple wedge or banana or used in a grilled peanut butter sandwich. And, of course, it makes a great PB&J sandwich.

“P.B. Slices makes it easy to add a twist to favorites like s’mores, brownies and pancakes,” Pam Deatherage of Tecumseh, Okla., says.

According to the National Peanut Board, the average American consumes more than six pounds of peanuts and peanut butter products yearly. Peanuts are naturally cholesterol free and P.B. Slices contains no cholesterol. The product also provides an excellent source of protein, offering 5 grams per serving.

The convenience and nutrition of P.B. Slices makes a great snack for children.

“I love to eat P.B. Slices,” Samantha Hinrichs, a nine-year-old from Overland Park, Kan., says. “I don’t make a mess with it in the car.”

Peanut butter lovers of all ages can find P.B. Slices in Kansas City area stores such as Hen House, Price Chopper and Dillons. The product also can be found in several grocery store chains in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Arkansas, Louisiana and Missouri. National and international distribution is expected in 2002. Kennedy is not stopping with just one P.B. Slices formulation. Calcium-fortified and thick-slice options are ready for distribution.

Let me just go ahead and not be surprised at that distribution territory.

Here’s the nutritional breakdown for P.B.Slices (and I’m changing my cat’s name tonight. C’mere, Mr. Slices!!):

Serving Size – 1 Slice (1 oz. 28 g)
Servings per package – 12
Calories – 170
Fat Cal. – 130
Total Fat – 14 g 21%
Sat. Fat – 2.5 g 13%
Cholesterol – 0 mg 0%
Sodium – 110 mg 5%
Total Carbohydrates – 5 g 2%
Fiber – 1 g
Sugars – 3 g
Protein 6 g 13%

Meanwhile, a Kraft Singles pre-wrapped slice of “cheese” has 50 calories and 3 grams of fat. Which explains why the P.B. Slices website has a whole section dedicated to informing parents that their little slabs of chilled grease are “A HEALTHY Snack!” made with “real peanuts!” Which is, I suppose, more than Kraft can say about the relationship of Kraft Singles to actual cheese. Also, P.B. Slices is naturally cholesterol free. Of course, so is a tub of Crisco, but I wouldn’t recommend eating that either.

Finally, since P.B. Slices are made from real peanuts, I need to add a disclaimer to protect the apparently vast hoards of Americans who suffer an severe (and recently epidemic) allergy to the lethal peanut. So:

This product is manufactured with equipment that is used for the processing of peanuts. As such, it may contain traces of peanuts. Also, it is made out of peanuts. If you are allergic to peanuts, P.B. Slices will kill your ass, straight up.

AAAGGGGHHH!!!!

September 28, 2005

Just when you think that your government can’t embarrass you any more, you read something like this:

From the Mirror:

Tons of British aid donated to help Hurricane Katrina victims to be BURNED by Americans

From Ryan Parry, US Correspondent in New York

HUNDREDS of tons of British food aid shipped to America for starving Hurricane Katrina survivors is to be burned.

US red tape is stopping it from reaching hungry evacuees.

Instead tons of the badly needed Nato ration packs, the same as those eaten by British troops in Iraq, has been condemned as unfit for human consumption.

And unless the bureaucratic mess is cleared up soon it could be sent for incineration.

One British aid worker last night called the move “sickening senselessness” and said furious colleagues were “spitting blood”.

The food, which cost British taxpayers millions, is sitting idle in a huge warehouse after the Food and Drug Agency recalled it when it had already left to be distributed.

Scores of lorries headed back to a warehouse in Little Rock, Arkansas, to dump it at an FDA incineration plant.

The Ministry of Defence in London said last night that 400,000 operational ration packs had been shipped to the US.

But officials blamed the US Department of Agriculture, which impounded the shipment under regulations relating to the import and export of meat.

The aid worker, who would not be named, said: “This is the most appalling act of sickening senselessness while people starve.

“The FDA has recalled aid from Britain because it has been condemned as unfit for human consumption, despite the fact that these are Nato approved rations of exactly the same type fed to British soldiers in Iraq.

“Under Nato, American soldiers are also entitled to eat such rations, yet the starving of the American South will see them go up in smoke because of FDA red tape madness.”

Be sure to read the whole article, because there’s more, and it’s more ridiculous than words can say. Thanks to the FDA’s corruption and open interference in the food markets to prevent customer demand for higher quality foods from having an impact on the bottom line of big agriculture, Americans are subjected to a meat supply that is nothing short of disgusting. In fact, I would say that there are countless items in your local grocery store that are completely ‘unfit for human consumption’ but which are nevertheless direct-marketed to your children and shoved down your family’s collective throat.

And let’s be clear that big agro and the Administration’s other corporate buddies are exactly what this little fiasco is about. The feds are gearing up for (another) massive corporate giveaway in the name of “relief” and “reconstruction”, and you can bet that nothing will flow into that region that wasn’t procured at premium prices with your taxes from G.W.’s corpo-pals.

Man, this guy knows EVERYBODY!

September 28, 2005

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi must have the most bloated upper-management structure in history. Some of these “top aides” need to be “right-sized” if Al Quaeda is ever going to realize a substantial ROI on its marketing and infrastructure development efforts in Iraq. As matters stand, the second layer on the org chart must be about 5 feet wide.

Either that, or the U.S. holds a drawing each month and declares a dead insurgent “Zarqawi Top Aide of The Month”.

Blogenlust has the rundown on Operation Infinite Top Aides.