Speaking of things unfit for human consumption…

Thanks to the severely brilliant and underappreciated Cakehead, I am able to keep abreast of major developments in food technology. Like this one:

Perhaps you never considered how oppressed we all are by the dreary un-sliceability of peanut butter. If not, then you, my friend, are an idiot and probably a communist too.

In the grand tradition of the American food industry, Kennedy Foods has applied the time-tested formula wherin you change the normal form of a common food and then wrap it in 68 square meters of plastic packaging to make it FUN! This shit is not only FUN!, though; it’s FUNNER! In the following press release, you will note the gross abuse of English language, which indicates that these slices of congealed fat will be marketed to directly to children using time-tested food marketing strategies that degrade the mind and the body!

P.B. Slices™ makes peanut butter “funner”

Kansas City, Mo., September 28, 2005 – No more double-dipping in the peanut butter jar or peanut butter covered utensils on the counter. Peanut butter just got “funner.” Finding an easy, portion-controlled way to eat peanut butter was something consumers didn’t know they needed until P.B. Slices™ came along. Individually wrapped peanut slices, P.B. Slices is one of the hottest products available in supermarkets.

The product is the creation of Stewart Kennedy, president of Kennedy Foods, who came up with the idea for sliced peanut butter during an evening with friends.

“As a peanut butter fan, I wanted to find a way I could eat peanut butter without a mess,” says Kennedy. “P.B. Slices makes it easy to eat peanut butter numerous ways.”

Kennedy knew his first challenge would be to make peanut butter “unsticky.” So, he started testing the stickiness of peanut butter in his kitchen. His testing then moved to the Oklahoma State University Food and Agricultural Products Research and Technology Center. Creating P.B. Slices took Kennedy and the OSU team more than four years, 5,000 pounds of peanut butter and 432 formulations before developing the perfect P.B. Slices.

Consumers of all ages are finding ways to enjoy P.B. Slices, including by itself, on a cracker, wrapped around an apple wedge or banana or used in a grilled peanut butter sandwich. And, of course, it makes a great PB&J sandwich.

“P.B. Slices makes it easy to add a twist to favorites like s’mores, brownies and pancakes,” Pam Deatherage of Tecumseh, Okla., says.

According to the National Peanut Board, the average American consumes more than six pounds of peanuts and peanut butter products yearly. Peanuts are naturally cholesterol free and P.B. Slices contains no cholesterol. The product also provides an excellent source of protein, offering 5 grams per serving.

The convenience and nutrition of P.B. Slices makes a great snack for children.

“I love to eat P.B. Slices,” Samantha Hinrichs, a nine-year-old from Overland Park, Kan., says. “I don’t make a mess with it in the car.”

Peanut butter lovers of all ages can find P.B. Slices in Kansas City area stores such as Hen House, Price Chopper and Dillons. The product also can be found in several grocery store chains in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Arkansas, Louisiana and Missouri. National and international distribution is expected in 2002. Kennedy is not stopping with just one P.B. Slices formulation. Calcium-fortified and thick-slice options are ready for distribution.

Let me just go ahead and not be surprised at that distribution territory.

Here’s the nutritional breakdown for P.B.Slices (and I’m changing my cat’s name tonight. C’mere, Mr. Slices!!):

Serving Size – 1 Slice (1 oz. 28 g)
Servings per package – 12
Calories – 170
Fat Cal. – 130
Total Fat – 14 g 21%
Sat. Fat – 2.5 g 13%
Cholesterol – 0 mg 0%
Sodium – 110 mg 5%
Total Carbohydrates – 5 g 2%
Fiber – 1 g
Sugars – 3 g
Protein 6 g 13%

Meanwhile, a Kraft Singles pre-wrapped slice of “cheese” has 50 calories and 3 grams of fat. Which explains why the P.B. Slices website has a whole section dedicated to informing parents that their little slabs of chilled grease are “A HEALTHY Snack!” made with “real peanuts!” Which is, I suppose, more than Kraft can say about the relationship of Kraft Singles to actual cheese. Also, P.B. Slices is naturally cholesterol free. Of course, so is a tub of Crisco, but I wouldn’t recommend eating that either.

Finally, since P.B. Slices are made from real peanuts, I need to add a disclaimer to protect the apparently vast hoards of Americans who suffer an severe (and recently epidemic) allergy to the lethal peanut. So:

This product is manufactured with equipment that is used for the processing of peanuts. As such, it may contain traces of peanuts. Also, it is made out of peanuts. If you are allergic to peanuts, P.B. Slices will kill your ass, straight up.

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