Archive for October, 2005

What the Great Pumpkin leaves for children who don’t suck!

October 31, 2005

I am an elitist bastard. Also, I hate most children. I mean, I really really love, dig, and am totally into all the children in my family. But the children in my family aren’t ill-behaved, barefooted and sticky-fingered monkeys running amok in the grocery store. Most children not directly related to me would appear to be precisely that. That’s why here at the Presidential Palace of the Supreme Chancellor and Praetor-for-Life of the Republic of Dogs, we draw the blinds, turn off the lights, and hide for most of Halloween night. The Supreme Praetor-for-Life is loath to spend the Republic’s precious ducats, extracted by such brutal force from a cowed and fearful citizenry, on candy to rot the teeth of the overnumerous offspring of the fertile poor who dwell in the immediate precincts of the Presidential Palace.

However, since Pinko Punko wants to make an issue out of this whole “giving candy” thing, I will tell you that festively be-ribboned boxes are delivered to the Palace for distribution to good children (and by “good”, I mean “related to me”, although some of my nieces are approaching their teen years, so that may need to be revised). The Great Pumpkin brings these boxed directly from Richart in Paris, where the hateful French gnomes du chocolate craft confections of the most astonishingly interesting flavors. The gnomes’ chocolate-craft is rivaled only by their unparalleled cruelty, and the Great Pumpkin must jab at them with a sharp stick in order to make them surrender their chocolate creations.

Tasty ballotin from Richart Paris, for children who haven’t worked Uncle Res’ last damn nerve Posted by Picasa

As I mentioned before, most children are far too naughty and/or unrelated to me to ever warrant candy of any kind. But for the select and distinguished few, bon appetite, and watch out for those damned gnomes. They will totally cut you.


When the Praetor-for-Life first quit smoking, he practically lived on a diet of the divine ambrosia known as “Candy Salad”. Candy Salad consists of Sweet Tarts, Runts (BUT NOT THE BANANA ONES, THOSE ARE DISGUSTING!!!), Gobstoppers, Nicorette* , and Jelly-Bellys (the “Sours” flavor series only, please…if I find one of those “toasted marshmallow” jellybeans anywhere near me, someone will die). If I gave candy the sticky-fingered, kool-aid-stained little grubbers who live in my apartment complex, this is what I would give them.

* Kids, once you’ve quit smoking, you can leave out the Nicorette. If you’re too stupid to figure that out, your future involves working underground. As a fun bonus, this recipe will help kids start smoking if you haven’t already!


but…but I bake COOKIES, for godsake!

October 31, 2005

This is all Roxanne’s fault somehow, I’m sure.

theory slut
You are a Theory Slut. The true elite of the
postmodernists, you collect avant-garde
Indonesian hiphop compilations and eat journal
articles for breakfast. You positively live
for theory. It really doesn’t matter what
kind, as long as the words are big and the
paragraph breaks few and far between.

What kind of postmodernist are you!?
brought to you by Quizilla

eat me.

October 30, 2005

I can only bitch about the president so much without an occasional break, so today you’re getting cookies.

This is a recipe my grandma used to make all the time, and it produces what are possibly the best sugar cookies in the known universe. Do not succumb to some uppity-gourmet temptation to replace the Crisco with additional butter; this recipe was originally made with “spry”, which was some sort of primordial ur-margarine. If you replace the shortening with butter, you will get a cookie that, while tasty, will have an entirely different texture. When made correctly, these cookies are soft, cakey, and sweet with a subtle note of lemon. They will be crispy around the edges, and benefit from a sprinkling of sugar before baking to give them a slightly crunchy surface to contrast with the soft, moist interior.

Spry Sugar Cookies

  • 3/4 cup shortening
  • 1/4 cup butter
  • 2 cups granulated sugar
  • 4 egg yolks
  • 1 1/2 cups milk
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 1/2 teaspoon grated lemon zest, finely minced
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

Cream shortening and butter with sugar. Add egg yolks, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Pour milk into a large measuring cup; add vanilla, lemon zest and baking soda. Into a separate bowl sift flour, baking powder, salt, and nutmeg.

Add dry ingredients to the creamed mixture alternately with the milk mixture. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets then sprinkle with a sanding sugar or ordinary granulated sugar. Bake for 12 to 13 minutes at 375°. Store sugar cookies in an airtight covered container.

No (end of) Nonsense in November

October 28, 2005

A child in Texas is born into poverty every 7 minutes.
A child in Texas is abused or neglected every 11 minutes.
A child in Texas dies before his or her first birthday every 4 hours.

Texas ranks 43rd among states in the percent of children who are poor.

from “Children in Texas” from the Children’s Defense Fund

On election day, Texas voters will confront a ballot of nine – count ‘em, nine – fun-packed amendments to our state constitution. Since child poverty is such a serious problem in Texas, you might think one or two of these amendments might address that issue. But if you think that, then you’ve never met our state legeslature or our blowdried blowhard of a governor.

The amendments are almost uniformly repugnant, but no more avaricious or ridiculous than the various works of any other southern state legislature.

Prop. 1

“The constitutional amendment creating the Texas rail relocation and improvement fund and authorizing grants of money and issuance of obligations for financing the relocation, rehabilitation, and expansion of rail facilities.”

This amendment creates a state fund to give tax money to railroad companies (“privately and publically owned passenger and freight rail facilities”, according to the explanatory text.

Prop 2.

This one’s my fave.

“The constitutional amendment providing that marriage in this state consists only of the union of one man and one woman and prohibiting this state or a political subdivision of this state from creating or recognizing any legal status identical or similar to marriage.”

Look, it’s our old buddy, the Marriage Amendment! This particular rash of assholery has swept the nation, and I’m actually surprised its taken this long for Texas to jump on the crapwagon. Texas has a weird constitution, though, and it takes forever to make laws here. The state legistature meets for like 16 minutes every two years, and when they do meet, they spend it on god-bag circlejerk bullshit like this, which is why we don’t ever have a balanced budget.

Of course, when you have to legislate at such a rapid pace, it’s hard to cross all the t’s and dot all the I’s in even your scapegoating bullshit laws. Perhaps that’s why some commentators think that Prop 2’s second clause, preventing the state from recognizing anything similar to marriage, may actually invalidate all marriages in the eyes of the state.

Did I mention that the Governor and our esteemed legislators spent the last regular session and two entire special sessions legislating or whatever, and Texas STILL can’t fund it’s schools properly? So the kids won’t be learning anything (still), and Texas schools will remain the laughing stock of the nation, but at least we’ll all be safe from the gays and their gay marriages.

Prop. 3

“The constitutional amendment clarifying that certain economic development programs do not constitute a debt.”

I have no idea what this is all about. I’m sure it’s completely nefarious.

Prop. 4

“The constitutional amendment authorizing the denial of bail to a criminal defendant who violates a condition of the defendant’s release pending trial.”

…by abrogating Section 11 of Article 1 (“The Bill of Rights”) of the Texas Constitution, which states that “all prisoners shall be bailable by sufficient sureities, unless for capital offenses, when the proof is evident; but this provision shall not be so construed as the prevent bail after indictment found upon examination of the evidence, in such manner as may be prescribed by law.”

Also, because Texas is a pioneer in paying both other states and private contractors to house at least some of our prison population (which is huge, far exceeding the incarcerated population of most nations), every law that throws more folks in jail or keeps more of them there is also a another giant slab of porkbarrel spending!

Prop. 5

“The constitutional amendment allowing the legislature to define rates of interest for commercial loans.”

This little slip of an amendment allows the legislature to exempt commercial loans from the state’s usury laws that set maximum interest rates. Apparently there will now be no maximum rate.

Prop. 6

“The constitutional amendment to include one additional public member and a constitutional county court judge in the membership of the State Commission on Judicial Conduct.”

I have no idea what this is all about.

Prop. 7

“The constitutional amendment authorizing line-of-credit advances under a reverse mortgage.”

A way to pander to old people without adding to the state budget.

Prop. 8

“The constitutional amendment providing for the clearing of land titles by relinquishing and releasing any state claim to sovereign ownership or title to interest in certain land in Upshur County and in Smith County.”

I have no fucking idea what this is about, or why an amendment to the state constitution is required to accomplish it.

Prop. 8

“The constitutional amendment authorizing the legislature to provide for a six-year term for a board member of a regional mobility authority.”

This provides for staggered 6 year terms on regional mobility authorities, so that the legislature only has to appoint a third of them in any given session (they only have 16 minutes, remember). If you’re wondering what the fuck a regional mobility authority is, then my friend, you are not alone.

Lots of these are really stupid, though of course the marriage amendment is the Big Enchilada. I hope it doesn’t pass, but…well…you know, Texas. And I worry about where all this is heading. I wonder how far these people will go to meddle in the private lives of ostensibly free citizens.

“All free men, when they form a social compact, have equal rights, and no man, or set of men, is entitled to exclusive separate public emoluments, or privileges, but in consideration of public services.”

Article 1, Section 3 of the Texas Constitution

Before I head out for dinner, just a quick note…

October 27, 2005

to remind everyone perjury isn’t a “technicality”. It’s a crime. There are no “technical” crimes.

When you disagree with me, it’s JUST LIKE THE HOLOCAUST!!

October 27, 2005

The fact that a pasty, pudgy right-wing commentator can’t get laid to save his life is obvious proof of our civilization’s decline into the dystopian nightmare of fascism. Posted by Picasa

We are so oppressed. Once I got all the chicken grease out of my laptop, I wrote a book about it!

We can think of a certain museum that might help Jonah learn about totalitarianism! Posted by Picasa

Hat tip to Shakespeare’s Sister on this one. Let’s all chip in and buy poor Jonah a clue.

Bush to American People: “Fuck You, Chumps!”

October 27, 2005

Pull my finger, Senator. Posted by Picasa

In a concrete demonstration of the Bush administration’s commitment to pissing in the collective mouth of the American people, FEMA has yet again extended Michael Brown’s post-resignation employment with the federal agency for another 30 days. On Wednesday, DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff defended the decision by citing FEMA’s urgent need to learn from Mr. Brown’s valuable experience with dinner-eating, death-causing, and blame-shifting.

Ah, Harriet…we hardly knew thy haggard ass

October 27, 2005

You people and your “standards” Posted by Picasa

Looks like missy couldn’t finish her homework, even after they returned it to her and gave her an extension. Harriet Miers withdrew herself from consideration for the Supreme Court this morning.

I have to say that although it’s been fun having her to kick around, I feel a tiny bit sorry for her. Someone should have told President L.L. Fontelroy that there was no way she would be confirmed, because that was obvious from the outset. To nominate her was basically to tape a sign to her back that said “kick me”. It was almost mean. I mean, I’m sure she’s perfectly competent corporate lawyer. I am a perfectly competent systems administrator. Neither of us are qualified to sit on the Supreme Court by virtue of our occupational experience.

Just one more failure on the part of our delusional and incompetent executive branch.

Roxanne Degrades Me With A Meme!!

October 26, 2005

Gee thanks! Man, I hate these things. I never have a good answer. Also, I’m a day late. Sigh.

Okay, here we go.

1. Of all the books that you have eventually finished after many starts and stops, which one took you the longest and how long did it eventually take.

I purchased the “Ecrits” anthology of Jacques Lacan’s writings in 2000. Guess what I haven’t finished reading yet? I mean, I’ve read the whole thing in the sense that my eyes have in fact looked at each printed word on every page, but in some sections, that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. When I discovered Slavoj Zizek, that helped a lot. But what could possibly help with this?

This picture drilled a hole in my head and fucked it! Posted by Picasa

On the other hand, the persistent reader is rewarded with chewy caramel-coated nougat-nut-clusters of text such as

“Is the place that I occupy as the subject of a signifier concentric or excentric in relation to the place I occupy as subject of the signified? That is the question. It is not a question of knowing whether I speak of myself in a way that conforms to what I am, but rather knowing whether I am the same as that of which I speak.”

(from “Agency of the Letter in the Unconscious”)

2. What great band (or album or song) have you heard so often, you wouldn’t mind never hearing it again even though you still think the band (or album or song) is great?

Madonna, “The Immaculate Collection” (1990). Hello, I’m gay.

3. Which cliché or often cited quote needs to be placed in quarantine for a few decades?

“War on” anything, unless it’s a War On Rachel Ray.

I trust is goes without saying that nothing was ever more stupid than the “War” on “Terror”, a phrase which doesn’t “make” any “sense” at all.

4. During the 1990’s “Compassion Fatigue” received a lot of press, now the media is giddy with “donation fatigue”. What will be the next trendy fatigue.

I’m voting for “fatigue fatigue”, but in the nightmarish dystopia that is the American future, it will probably “pillaging mutant hoards fatigue” or some throwed-off shit like that.

5. What percentage of respondents will answer “meme fatigue” to question number 4?

I’m not sure. All I know for certain is that 100% of the bloggers in this house really wanted to put “meme fatigue”, until whatever dark, blasphemous god that writes these damned things had to go and be a smarty-pants about question #5. Oh how I hate you, Meme God!

Who get’s degraded before the obscene altar of the Meme God? Why, it’s Bluegirl, 3Bulls!, and The l4m3!

I hate you, Internet. I hate you so very much.

October 20, 2005

Today, thanks to the technological breakthrough that allows MSN Search to provide apparently completely random search results, people stumbled into my fair Republic via the following searches:

“Rachel Ray”
dogs fucking dogs
Kathryn Jean Lopez

t3h 1nT3rN3tZ r0xX0Rz my s0Xx0rZ!!!1!11