What the Great Pumpkin leaves for children who don’t suck!

I am an elitist bastard. Also, I hate most children. I mean, I really really love, dig, and am totally into all the children in my family. But the children in my family aren’t ill-behaved, barefooted and sticky-fingered monkeys running amok in the grocery store. Most children not directly related to me would appear to be precisely that. That’s why here at the Presidential Palace of the Supreme Chancellor and Praetor-for-Life of the Republic of Dogs, we draw the blinds, turn off the lights, and hide for most of Halloween night. The Supreme Praetor-for-Life is loath to spend the Republic’s precious ducats, extracted by such brutal force from a cowed and fearful citizenry, on candy to rot the teeth of the overnumerous offspring of the fertile poor who dwell in the immediate precincts of the Presidential Palace.

However, since Pinko Punko wants to make an issue out of this whole “giving candy” thing, I will tell you that festively be-ribboned boxes are delivered to the Palace for distribution to good children (and by “good”, I mean “related to me”, although some of my nieces are approaching their teen years, so that may need to be revised). The Great Pumpkin brings these boxed directly from Richart in Paris, where the hateful French gnomes du chocolate craft confections of the most astonishingly interesting flavors. The gnomes’ chocolate-craft is rivaled only by their unparalleled cruelty, and the Great Pumpkin must jab at them with a sharp stick in order to make them surrender their chocolate creations.

Tasty ballotin from Richart Paris, for children who haven’t worked Uncle Res’ last damn nerve Posted by Picasa

As I mentioned before, most children are far too naughty and/or unrelated to me to ever warrant candy of any kind. But for the select and distinguished few, bon appetite, and watch out for those damned gnomes. They will totally cut you.


When the Praetor-for-Life first quit smoking, he practically lived on a diet of the divine ambrosia known as “Candy Salad”. Candy Salad consists of Sweet Tarts, Runts (BUT NOT THE BANANA ONES, THOSE ARE DISGUSTING!!!), Gobstoppers, Nicorette* , and Jelly-Bellys (the “Sours” flavor series only, please…if I find one of those “toasted marshmallow” jellybeans anywhere near me, someone will die). If I gave candy the sticky-fingered, kool-aid-stained little grubbers who live in my apartment complex, this is what I would give them.

* Kids, once you’ve quit smoking, you can leave out the Nicorette. If you’re too stupid to figure that out, your future involves working underground. As a fun bonus, this recipe will help kids start smoking if you haven’t already!


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