Gayz Gone Wild!!! Hookupapalooza, Episode 1

Or, “I’m looking for someone who enjoys long walks on the beach, deep conversation, and forced feminization”

Welcome to Gayz Gone Wild!, my new weekly (and more often, if I feel like it) feature wherein I find hilarious gay personal ads and post them so we can all point and laugh.

A little background before we begin:

First, although most of you already know this, I should probably state for the record that I myself am a card-carrying “homosexual activist” (the preferred wingnut term), or “butt pirate” in the colloquial. So I don’t want to hear a lot of sob-sister crying about how I’m pickin’ on Teh Gay. I’m sure that straight personal ads are equally mockable, but check it out: I don’t want to spend hours looking at straight personal ads. With this gig, I get to check out hot nekkid pixxx while I’m doing my “research”.

Second, the Internet is very gay. It just is. The user anonymity that was a part of the original structure of the Internet more or less ensured that it would be a virtual nirvana for sexual minorities. Also, gay men like to hook up. Sorry if that upsets the “lets get married and adopt some kids” HRC crowd, but we all know it’s true. Gay Liberation was, at least in part, a libidinal liberation movement at the outside. AIDS has transmuted the eros at the heart of gay culture, but not destroyed it. It will take the marriage Nazis to do that.

Although I am happily and monogamously partnered (much to my surprise) today, I was single more often than not through most of my 20s, and liked it that way. And I was a total chat-whore. I’ve been up on Gay.com since the prehistoric days of the hideous pink VolanoChat interface. Before that, I was on IRC, which was really fun because you could not only hook up, but also destroy other people’s computers. It was like the least secure Internet application imaginable, and I can’t believe we used it so blithely. But that was a long time ago, before everything was AT RISK and DANGER and ALERT and SECURITY, etc.

Since the rise of Gay.com to its current position of preeminence among chat portals, personal ads have become part and parcel of online chat in their spiffy new cyber-incarnation as profiles. Profiles are notorious for the “Internet coefficient” by which personal stats get multiplied to make guys sounds younger, cuter, thinner, and/or more hung than they actually are. They are also notorious for featuring other people’s pictures (like you weren’t going to notice), or no pictures at all. When they don’t have pictures, they usually claim “I’m new at this.” New at what? The Internet? It’s nearly the two-thousand-and-sixth year of Our Lord, friends. No one is “new at this”, unless (and more likely) you mean “new at hooking up online because I’m still married and in the closet”, in which case you get no sympathy from me. And please don’t tell me you haven’t scanned one “yet”. Not only do scanners cost like $1.89, but who even has film to “scan” anymore? I mean, in addition to my digital camera, my handheld and cellphone are both capable of digital photography.

But I digress. Because I was a chat whore for long ages, I am intimately familiar with the subtle semiotics of online profiles and personals. Since I met My Awesome Boyfriend (TM) (in a bar, hilariously enough), I’ve been out of the online loop. Recently, however, my colleagues and I have been examining the epidemiology of STDs in networks of sexual partners who meet online. For the time being, we are specifically looking at barebacking as a concretized sexual practice (as opposed to simply not using a condom because of intoxication, pressure from one’s partner, etc.) and started with some of the less savory sites such as bareback.com and barebacksex.com (and sometimes, God help us, the skeeziest of the skeeze, squirt.org). Praise the Lord!! At this point, I’m also looking at gay.com, manhunt.net, men4sexnow.com, guys4men.com, and dudesnude.com. Consequently, I’ve got profiles on my mind, and I have to say that, quite aside from the very serious concerns that brought us to these sites in the first place, some of these ads are howlingly funny.

Here are my basic operating procedures: I figure that when you post something on the world wide web, it’s fair game. However, I will partially cover faces out of embarrassment for the people who posted these photographs on the world wide web. I will also crop the pictures to hide the naughty bits. Unfortunately, that means I can’t even show you most of these pictures. There is something about the male visual imagination that loves to eroticize parts in isolation. You see it in straight porn: the fugly girls with freakishly big breasts, and the super-zoom close-up puss-shots that look like some kind of giant radioactive clam about to attack Tokyo. Gay men are exactly the same, and online personals are chock-full of close-up shots of cocks and assholes (assholes!) with no context or…like…body. Anyway, I won’t be posting those for obvious reasons.

Without further ado, I give you….todays ad!

This young man’s screenname is (get this) “Christian”. His profile is extremely long, and the long, wordy ones are usually the most entertaining. I mean really, how much is there to say that needs to be said on a hookup site? Get a fucking blog, forgodsake. Beyond the initial stats, what you’re into, and what you’re looking for, long paragraphs of text usually boil down to “Thanks for checking out my profile! Now check out how crazy I am! And here’s a long list of all the shit I hate about most fags, and how I’m looking for a straight man, except gay. Oh, and here’s a long list of stuff that pisses me off.” Ect.

“Christian’s” long-ass ad is a little different, in that it manages to avoid the usual tiresome internalized homophobia and skip right down to the psychosexual craziness. And this shit isn’t just crazy. It’s like crizzazy. Also, deeply misogynistic. Here’s the first sentence of “Christian’s” profile:

I am an extremely submissive bottom pussyboi who knows what I like and am not ashamed in the least of being so submissive and such a pussyboi. šŸ™‚

Oh my. Well, at least the little smiley-face proves his assertions about himself.

I can be an extremely submissive (almost borderline slave) pussyboi so I need someone who can take charge and do what needs to be done.

Gracious! How festive! I can’t share the next few (and by “few” I mean “many”) sentences with you, because they feature intensive application of the c-word, which is pretty sure to get me killed by someone. Eventually, we get to this little gem:

Don’t bother asking me (I’m just a pussyboi to be used by you), just do it assuming you can, take complete control. It turns me on even more when a guy dominating me is really verbal and calls me all sorts of names (slut, bitch, [redacted], girl, slave, whore, etc..)

And who says gay men are misogynistic? When I saw that “girl” was tossed in as an expletive equivalent to whore, slut, and slave, I knew I’d found my Personal of the Week. Dear Reader, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. I mean really, you could write pages and pages about this. In Bodies That Matter, Judith Butler wrote something to the effect that the contours of gender within homosexuality have yet to be rigorously thought through, and that this is a subject worth pursuing. I couldn’t agree more heartily. For starters, I’d suggest that until gay men come to terms with the subtle (or, in this case, not so subtle) ways that top and bottom sexual roles are reified as proxy genders, we’ll never have effective solidarity with lesbians or with women in general. We have too much erotic investment in patriarchy to claim an oppositional stance.

The comes the nugget that made me, an IT professional who forgoes roughly 40% of what I could make in the for-profit world to lend my abilities to HIV prevention efforts in my community, fall out of my chair:

Make me beg you to fuck me like the bitch I am. The sluttier I feel (or am made to feel) the more piggy I actually become. Plus, i really LOVE doing some PNP (meth) and then just taking and taking what gets dished out for hours my master to me however he sees fit.

Oh, joy! Meth! It makes him piggy!

The final section of Jesus-boi’s ad is entitled “Ideal Man”, and hoo boy, it’s a kicker.

I like guys who aren’t to big (height and weight) and are around my age.

Perfectly reasonable.

I do consider myself to be fairly intellectual, valuing logic and reason above all else, so someone who can hold up their own end of a conversation or debate is a must for me.

*blink*

Unless by “all else” you mean “getting tweaked out of my mind and fucked for hours by whoever feels like it”? You guys, this ad features pictures of “Christian” in girls underwear. It features pictures of “Christian” in flagrante delicto with latex toys. He refers to himself as a “pussyboi” no fewer than 4 times. But he values logic and reason above all else.

There must be some distinction between “reason” and “reasonable” that I’m unaware of, because so far, this ad has been the least reasonable thing I’ve ever had the misfortune to lay my eyeballs upon. And I’ve been to Michelle Malkin’s site, ferchristsake!

I’ve been single for quite a while now and want someone to cuddle with and hold hands with, etc.

Oh, and dress me up in women’s panties and call me names and shave my body and pee on me.

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