Not So Secret Craig’s List Ad Lover

Man, if I didn’t have a boyfriend already, I think I would be in love. Sorry for the long post, but it’s important that folks like Chuckles understands what a mature and healthy woman is looking for. (I love you Chuckie, that’s why it hurts so much).

To quote a great philosopher, “I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that.” Here’s my list of 20 things that I will/will not do on the road to love, some serious, some less so.
1) I will attach a picture to any personal ads I post (including this one). In return, I will request that anyone who replies send a picture as well. While there is certainly a large mental component to whether you find someone attractive, there has to be some physical chemistry there as well, and an early exchange of pictures is a good way to see if we’ll be attracted to each other. (And speaking of physical attraction, I’m 5’11”, 165 lbs., brown hair, brown eyes, and in fairly good shape).
2) When I e-mail you, I will write in complete English sentences with correct punctuation and grammar. The kind of woman I’m interested in will most likely not be impressed by e-mails of the “hey yr cute email me” variety.
3) I will not have unrealistic expectations for our first date. It’s true that sometimes two people click right away, but I think this is the exception rather than the rule. It takes time to get to know someone, and on the first date, you’re generally too busy trying to make a good impression to let the real you come through. Therefore, I won’t give up on you if our first date is merely pleasant instead of magical. But if our first date is horrible, there won’t be a second.
4) I will probably not impress you with my cultural knowledge during our first date. I don’t know who the cool indie/punk bands are (although I do know mainstream ones like Death Cab for Cutie and popular local groups like the Dropkick Murphys and the Dresden Dolls), I haven’t seen the latest exhibit at the MFA, and I probably haven’t seen the latest black and white art film from France. The last CD I bought was Poison’s Greatest Hits: that should tell you how utterly hopeless I am when it comes to culture. But I’m more than happy to hear you tell me about any of these things, and I’d love to go to them with you: it’s always good to broaden one’s horizons, and I’ll most likely end up enjoying myself.
5) If we go out for dinner on the first date, I will not let you pay. If you really want, I will let you leave the tip, but that’s all. This is not meant to imply that you can’t afford to pay or that I expect something from you: it’s just the gentlemanly thing to do. If you disagree with this, let’s talk about it: it’ll make for good dinner conversation. But I still won’t let you pay.
6) During our first date, I will look at your face, not your boobs. Last time I checked, your boobs were not capable of carrying on a conversation. If by some chance your boobs DO start talking to me, and the meal has already arrived, I will assume that the secret ingredient in the dish I’m having is a lot more potent that I had imagined, and immediately ask for a different entree. If this happens before the meal comes, I will assume that I’ve gone stark raving mad at the most inconveient of times (that sort of thing never happens when you’re on the couch watching TV or something like that), and hope that when the meal comes, the food will have something that will restore my sanity. Dessert is particularly good for this.
7) And on the subject of dessert, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER suggest in any way, shape, or form that you should skip dessert because it will make you “fat”. If I should go insane and suggest this (see #6), you have my permission to castrate me right then and there with a butter knife, because I deserve it.
8) I will not have sex with you on the first date. It’s quite likely that I won’t have sex with you on the second, third, or fourth date either. Unless I trust you and feel something for you, I don’t want to sleep with you, and it will take a few dates before we get to that point. For those of you who can jump into bed with a stranger right away, I don’t think that you’re inferior to me in any way: I’m not one of those judgmental moralizing types. In fact, I’ll admit that at times I’m envious of you. But that’s not how I am, and you’ve got to be true to yourself (or to put it more colloquially, you’ve gotta keep it real).
9) If you decide after the first date that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship, I will not get bent out of shape over it. I’ll wish you luck in your future dating, and move on. I will consider it courteous if you e-mail or call me to tell me this, though, as opposed to my having to infer it by never hearing from you again.
10) But if you do let me know that you liked me and want to see me again, I will try my best to suggest a second date based on something you told me on the first date. Mentioned that you thought karaoke was fun? We’ll go out and make fools of ourselves and have a blast doing it. Like to dance? If you don’t mind the fact that I’m not such a great dancer, we’ll go cut a rug. I’ll be able to do this because I was actually listening to you on the first date, as opposed to staring at your boobs or trying to get in your pants (see #6 and #8).
11) I will most likely not be interested in a relationship with you if you are a smoker, drug user, or heavy drinker. I have no problem with social drinking and even getting totally plastered on occasion, but this should not be a regular occurrence. Vomiting in a different bathroom and/or on a different street corner every weekend is not my idea of a good time.
12) Once we have reached the point where I can call you my girlfriend, I will try my best to rearrange my schedule so that I can spend time with you. I have some hobbies that take up quite a bit of my time, but I will make sure not to neglect you. Having said that, I will not give up my hobbies for you: doing that is not a sign of a good boyfriend, but of someone who’s badly lacking in self-esteem. Besides, several of my hobbies involve exercise (e.g. Baptiste yoga and aikido), and I’m sure you don’t want me to stop exercising.
13) I will not be the greatest lover you’ve ever had…at least not at first. As I implied above, I don’t do one-night stands (see #8). With sex, as with all things, practice makes perfect, so someone like me is at a disadvantage compared to someone who gets laid every weekend. But this does not mean I am naive. It’s actually a good thing, as it means that I will not assume my technique is perfect and that I have nothing to learn from you. Instead, I will ask you what you like and don’t like, and I will listen to you. If you say you like something, I will do much, much more of it. If you don’t like something, not only will I never do it again, but I will rewire the neurons in my brain through a sheer act of will so as to banish any memory of the offending technique from my head. Eventually, I will be so good at pleasing you that I will be able to make you have an orgasm just by looking at you and raising my eyebrows. With any luck, I’ll be able to send you into multiple orgasms using just a single eyebrow.
14) If some guy makes lewd remarks to you or otherwise insults you, I will NOT beat him up. This is not because I am a coward or a weakling. On the contrary: I have black belts in karate and kung fu, so I feel fairly confident that I could fight someone and win. I will refrain from fighting because I know how serious the consequences can be. I took a self-defense course once, and they stressed the fact that you don’t know how a fight will end up: you could wind up killing someone, or be killed yourself. Even if it doesn’t go to those extremes, I could still end up badly hurt or facing jail time for assault. Beating up someone who insults your girlfriend may sound noble and chivalrous in books, but real life is a very different story.
14a) Having said all that, if you are at risk of getting physically injured by some other guy (or girl, for that matter), I’ll throw everything I just said out the window and beat the shit out of that person. I know there’ll be consequences, but dealing with them will still be better than watching you get hurt or killed.
15) I will not vote Republican for anything, not even love. I don’t care if you’re offering me a million dollars and the chance to have freaky, nasty sex with you and your twin sister: it’s still not worth it. The only way I’ll even consider voting Republican is if I can vote in a district that’s controlled by an old-fashioned Democratic political machine. In that case, I will vote Republican, and then say the following to the volunteer at the polling place: “Yep, I voted Republican this year! It would sure be a shame if my ballot were to get LOST or MISPLACED! Yessir, I’d sure hate to see that ballot NOT GET COUNTED! ” Even after that, I will go back and vote for the Democratic candidate just to be on the safe side. And because I’m a good Democrat, I’ll do it twice.
16) I will want you to come to temple with me at some point if we’ve gotten serious. I’m a practicing Reform Jew (although I’m only half-Jewish: my dad’s Catholic), and Judaism is something that’s important to me. Besides, the people at my temple are pretty cool, even if most of them are closer to my parent’s age than to mine. If you are Jewish, that’s cool, but if not, it’s not a problem. I won’t try to convert you, and I’ll respect whatever religious background (or lack thereof) you have. But if you’re a devout follower of another faith or allergic to the notion of organized religion, we may have a problem.
16a) Even though I’m a practicing Jew, I was raised Catholic, so I’ll have no problem celebrating Christmas with you if you celebrate it.
17) If I mention to you that I think another woman is attractive, I will immediately follow that by saying that she’s an ugly hag compared to you, and you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. On a related note, when we’re in bed together, I will cuddle up to you and tell you how pretty and sexy you are whether you are wearing flannel pajamas or nothing but thong panties. But I reserve the right to be more passionate in my declarations if you are wearing the latter.
18) Although I work in a technical field (I”m a software engineer), I will not talk about boring geek stuff to you…unless you’re really interested. If I should forget this, I encourage you to kiss me in mid-sentence. This will not only shut me up, but make me completely forget what I was talking about.
19) If we move in together, I will not sweat the small details of conjugal living. If you leave the cap off the toothpaste tube, or put the remote when I can’t find it, or keep the dishes in a different place than I do, I will remind myself that these are small and ultimately insignificant matters, and that they are a very small price to pay for having you in my life.
20) If I don’t find a girlfriend as a result of this ad, I will not let it get me down, and I will not become cynical about my lack of success. Cynicism is a way to escape unpleasant emotions by hiding from them rather than facing them head-on. I will not use cynicism as a coping mechanism, becase it’s ultimately giving up on yourself, and I refuse to do that. Even when I am feeling particularly depressed about things, I will remember that a man is not finished when he is defeated: he is finished when he quits. And I’m no quitter. If you’re between 23 and 33, interested in a long-term relationship, and like what you’ve read, feel free to drop me a line.

Schmoopies, can we add him to my list of three after Dr. Special K.? He is better than non Jewish Secret Blog Lover. (SBL, I still heart you. Wink, wink)


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