Day 5…

 

 It’s day 5 of Passover.  It’s getting ugly. Here’s a recap of last night:

 AG: I hate you.  Why can’t I eat shrimp dumplings? 

UC: No. You don’t need a reason.

AG: I will eat them with pork. You are not Jewish anyway.  You don’t believe in G-D.

UC: No.  Are you saying I’m not Jewish? Me? He—lll—oooo!

AG: I am going to starve.

UC: No you’re not. This matzoh sandwich is hard to eat.

AG: Dude, you got smear on your face.

UC: Wipes off face and suspects AG has made her point.

AG: Opens chocolate covered matzoh and eats for dinner in protest for not having salad in the house.

 

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31 Responses to “Day 5…”

  1. Res Publica Says:

    Shrimp dumplings with pork….the only thing less kosher would be some kind of shellfish that’s been genetically engineered to have little cloven hooves. Some kind of pig-shrimp combo….shrigs….or pimps. Sweet.

  2. Res Publica Says:

    And don’t feel too bad…yesterday, I was forced to consume about 8 lbs of ham, which I hate, despite my general fondness for the succulent flesh of swine. Glazed ham is like if Just Born made pig Peeps….it’s all sugar. Served with marshmallow-topped candied yams. You know, to cut the sweetness of the pork. Ah, southern cooking.

  3. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    Man, I’d have to starve before that happened. For me, it was more about the fact that UC and his lovely family cannot stomach another holiday with AG. What can I say? AG was born the youngest only princess into a dysFUNction juntion family. These things are bound to happen with food restrictions.

  4. Pinko Punko Says:

    Res, I can’t believe you just wrote that. I have a picture for you. Give me 10 minutes.

  5. A Sacred Tableau of Easter at Three Bulls! Says:

    […] I think SOME people doth protest too much. […]

  6. Res Publica Says:

    AG: I hate you. Why can’t I eat shrimp dumplings?

    UC, can I date AG for a while? I’m jealous.

  7. The Uncanny Canadian Says:

    Don’t fall for it, Res. It’s totally a ruse! She will just try to control your pork consumption.

  8. Pinko Punko Says:

    It is true. I have never known someone to be as vehemently anti-Pork Snorkel as AG.

  9. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    Pork bad, AG good!

    Res, you would love AG. AG loves going out to gay bars and is always up for big fun! She loves going shopping, eating the dumplings, doing hair, buying nice things, being treated like a princess, travel and we can hit on hot guys together. AG will share her bed with more than one gay guy. It’s been done before. Everyone was happy.

    AG is the perfect non gay, gay lover. Midniter would agree. He knows the love of the AG.

    P.S. AG tonight: salad and fruit slices at her own house.
    Tomorrow– sneak eating Thai in the closet at UC’s denying all of it.

  10. Adorable Girl-Fiend Says:

    I hear they serve kosher “PIG” at gay bars. Whatever that means.

  11. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    Oh teh, we’ll bring you along sometimes too. You just better be hot looking if you want to go with us.

  12. mdhatter Says:

    I have a Jewish sister in law (and niece) and I have just been introduced to the chocolate covered Matzoh. mmmmmmmm.

  13. mdhatter Says:

    AND, shrimp dumpling and pork chowder would be less kosher. no?

  14. jexter Says:

    O.K., I see the problem, and I think I can help.

    Adorable G.: ” Dude, you got smear on your face.”

    Smear is shikse. What Uncanny C. had on his face wasn’t “smear”. That’s what the squeegee guy does to your windshield. You say “smear”, they take you for a nebbish. If you mean “schmear”, say “schmear”.

    Next time, when those-whom-it’s-important-to-win-over are in hearing range, say this to the U. Canadian:

    “Schmuck! What’s that schmutz on your schnozzle?!? What, we can’t come for a little nosh and schmooze for ten minutes without you being a total putz?” [“Oy, if it wasn’t for that schlong…”]

    That should do it. Don’t thank me; happy to help.

  15. jexter Says:

    mdhatter: “I have a Jewish sister in law (and niece)…”

    Are they the same person? That’s kind of complicated.

    You probably shouldn’t think about sleeping with either of them.

    Or her, as the case may be.

    Not that you *were* thinking of sleeping with either of them.

    Or her.

    But don’t.

    Now I can’t stop thinking about your sister in law.

    Shit.

  16. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    This is too topical Jexter! Too topical. AG was accused this weekend of liking the nebbish boys by the UC sister.

    You also mentioned something else randomly that happened this weekend. Wait a minute. Are you the nebbish I am hot for? Just who is this Jexter? AG demands a full disclosure.

    And like Fullie said to AG when he heard her voice on the phone, “You’re like normal. You aren’t all Jewish sounding.” Of course not! AG doesn’t go there.

  17. jexter Says:

    O.K., let’s not get too out there. We want to keep this in mind:

    http://godisout.blogspot.com/2005/07/who-is-jexter.html

  18. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    Oh Jextaposition, I’ve visited the blogster and I have concerns.

    UC, back me up here. Can AG sniff out details that make you sleep with one eye open and counting the money on a regular basis? Let’s just remind of the unfortunate incident with Phil Donahue at NBC the day AG spotted his bony ass WITHOUT Marla, but a woman who was taking to him in the same way. And like Abbie said, AG suggested he not get all constipated.

    If only AG could use these kinds of talents for making fortunes, we’d all be on AG’s yacht right now.

    AG is onto you fella…

  19. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    Jexter, you farshtaist!! You are very close to being the perfect mensch that AG needs to semitisize herself. Schmutz is one of my favourite words. I remember doing my first radioactive Southern blot back in the early ’90s for my Israeli mentor. Right where the band should be was a whopping black stain of some background that didn’t get properly washed out. I still remember my PI’s lament: “Oy, if it weren’t for that horrible schmutz on the filter this fakakta experiment might mean something perhaps”.

  20. The Uncanny Canadian Says:

    Oy, obviously that was UC writing the last post. WordPress doesn’t like couples that share a computer. My bad.

  21. jexter Says:

    Oh, this is clearly a moment of male bonding! My first in-house talk at C.S.H.L., so proud of that autoradiograph showing I had actually cloned my gene-of-interest, and the first question:

    “Um, I can’t figure out what I’m looking at. What is that schmutz in the control lane?”

  22. teh l4m3 Says:

    “You just better be hot looking if you want to go with us.”

    Hey, just ask Pinko! I certainly turned his head — one out of a teeming throng of nobodies at Kimo’s. He noticed me! And lifted me up into the limelight.

    Pinko, this song’s dedicated to you…

  23. jexter Says:

    If teh’s visage is half as comely as his prose, he is hot hot hot!

  24. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    Oh, you know teh, teh is. We just want him to know we like him to look pretty. It’s important to his fan club.

    Schmoopies, I heard enough Jew talk out of you this weekend for a while. You and those “oy”s. And we both know the best story of your use of Yiddish.

  25. Chuckles Says:

    HA HA! I ate..I ate…um cereal all weekend. With rice milk I sponged off the roommate/landlord/coworker.

  26. YJA Says:

    I had tacos on Sunday. Happy easter to me.

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