Great Whores of American Journalism: Campaign 2008

First in an Ongoing Series

right in my mouth, Senator!

Laura Blumenfeld: Clueless Fuckwit, or Pervert Monkey-Lover?

If you were perhaps thinking that 2006 is a little early for the Washington Post and NY Times, the two great brothels of the eastern access-whore establishment, to start bashing Democrats and blowing Republicans – well, Dear Reader, think again! It’s NEVER too early to get a head-start on ensuring the maintenance of the whore-friendly status quo that the whores helped to bring about in 2000, helped to continue in 2004, and are hell-bent on extending in 2008.

To whit, behold the NY Times taking a probing and timely look at the intimate lives of the President and First Lady. What kind of freakish dysfunction lies behind the placid façade? I can’t WAIT to find out!

My, but we DO so love our pills!

Photograph courtesy of my new favorite website

Not THAT President, silly buttons! He’s our Daddy! No, we’re talking about THIS President, the hillbilly sex-maniac with the dyke wife. His nightmarish eight-year reign of peace and prosperity nearly bored us to death before he gave us all new a hobby by having tEh sExXx0r!

We come fer yer daughter, Chuck!

 

So anyway, yeah. This year we’re gonna party like it’s 1995!

From the Capital City Whorehouse, we have this rather astonishing combo blowjob-rimjob piece from little Miss Laura Blumenfeld, who straps on her official-issue Washington Post knee-pads and hits the pavement to give Bill Frist the tongue-lashingbath of a lifetime in a soft-core “human intrest story” that should have been called “Post Reporter Overpowered By Frist’s Blood-Drenched, Monkey-Scented Manliness, Forced To Gobble Senate Majority Leader’s Knob”. Or maybe just “Monkey Business”?

Frist listened to the heart; the gorilla’s lub-dub sounded human. “When you’re this close, you feel this kind of oneness with them,” Frist said. The stink of ape sweat and gorilla testosterone soaked his hair and clothes. “Gorillas, people, men.”

BLLAGGHHHHHHHRRHRHRGGGAAAAAHHH!!
Oh, excuse me. I was just vomiting. Moving right along.

In medical school, Frist cut out a dog’s heart and held it in his palm. It continued to beat for a slippery minute.
“Watching it beat, the beauty of it,” Frist recalled. “I decided I would spend my life centered around the heart.”

You know, I think I’ve read something like that before. In the opening chapters of an Ann Rule novel! RUN AWAY, CHILDREN! RUN!

But enough with the senseless slaughter of man’s best friend. Let’s get back to Laura Blumenfeld’s every-moistening panties!

Frist joined the team, as he had on other mornings, tying on a mask. He unbuttoned his business shirt, revealing jungle-pattern surgical scrubs and a pair of hairy, toned biceps.

Then he gazed into her dark, vulnerable eyes and proclaimed in his husky voice, “I’m Dr. Thrustingood, and I’ll be your new gynecologist.” That novel had FABIO on the cover, Dear Reader! Good times.

Anyway, let me wrap up with the shorter Laura Blumenfeld: Republicans possess a more natural and authentic manhood, as evidenced by my schoolgirl giddiness around some old white guy who smells like monkeys.

Something had changed inside of the beast while he slept. Frist smiled and spoke unremarkably from the lectern, reeking of silverback testosterone.

Looks like WaPo and the Gray Harlot have already made their picks for 2006 and 2008, and I’m sure they sincerely hope you’ll enjoy another eight years of having sophomoric soft-core porn like this shoved down your throat with a meat-hose labeled “Political Coverage”.

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17 Responses to “Great Whores of American Journalism: Campaign 2008”

  1. blue girl Says:

    THIS President, the hillbilly sex-maniac with the dyke wife (whose nightmarish eight-year reign of peace and prosperity nearly bored us to death before he gave us all new a hobby by having tEh sExXx

    😆

    God! How true!

    Do you think maybe the motivation of that NYTs article was to start to keep Hillary OUT of the 2008 race? Or at least their best attempt (with more to follow) that she won’t be elected in 2008?

    Her comments lately and her continuing support for the war in Iraq are really bugging me.

    I clicked on that Blumenthal article last night before I went to bed, but didn’t have the energy to read it.

    Glad I didn’t. I probably would’ve ended up having monkey-love dreams.

  2. almostinfamous Says:

    Then he gazed into her dark, vulnerable eyes and proclaimed in his husky voice, “I’m Dr. Thrustingood, and I’ll be your new gynecologist.” That novel had FABIO on the cover, Dear Reader! Good times.

    OMG!! i’m dying here laughing at that.

  3. Res Publica Says:

    Blue, you HAVE to read it. It’s short, and gross enough to keep you moving along at a pretty quick clip.

    AIF, glad you enjoyed. I thought the Fabio reference was pretty good, myself, but then you had to get really silly to make fun of this article. It practically made fun of itself. I mean, she actually mentions gorilla testosterone — TWICE! You can just see her breathlessly scribbling in her Hello Kitty pink diary with a little gold lock. Writing, naturally, with a purple glitter puffy-paint pen.

  4. Kevin Wolf Says:

    Political porn. Mmmmmm. Tasty stuff. This may take some of the hurt out of the growing fascism.

  5. Chuckles Says:

    That story needed more 3>

  6. Res Publica Says:

    more what? “three greater-than”?

  7. Snag Says:

    It sounds like the rich guy’s version of driving around in a soundproofed panel van with restraints bolted to the inside.

  8. Res Publica Says:

    Wait, was Chuckles making ASCII pr0n? That’s totally hawt.

  9. Adorable Girlfriend Says:

    Oh god. Res is going to flirt with Chuckie now?

    I don’t get these Jewish kids in the media anymore. It’s like trying to understand Jonah and Ben. WTF?

  10. elmo Says:

    Awwww…gorilla love! Genius! Frist will be a shoe-in to win the wingnut primary.

  11. Snag Says:

    It’s part of the New World Order/Trilateral Commission/ZOG conspiracy.

    Actually, I regret to say that even my people churn out their share of dumbasses.

  12. Pinko Punko Says:

    LB is kind of a babe.

  13. Res Publica Says:

    You’re not nearly hairy and stinky enough for her, Pinko.

  14. Pinko Punko Says:

    I vow to roll around in monkey secretions so that I might excite LB!

    Chuckles was so gross. What would the guy be : 8- 3> =BOW CHICKA BOW WOW or : -8 : -8 (that’s aroused)

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

  15. Res Publica Says:

    Pinko, LB actually kind of looks like you in a wig. You big narcissist, you!

  16. sirbarrett Says:

    This was an odd article. Your take on it was especially hilarious. Several parts of it made me gag -especially the part about Karyn falling in love with him in bloody scrubs. Well, hopefully Frist comes up with a cure for AIDS soon. If only he could cure the gorilla’s hearts with Republican love.

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    teen beauty pageant dress…

    Pros and cons of teen beauty pageant dress….

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