Archive for the ‘Let\’s get tore up and go shoplifting!’ Category

festoon your rotting carcass with the republic of dogs!

July 8, 2006

Your President commands to proceed forthwith to the Official Clothier, Haberdasher and Gift Shop of Ye Olde Republik of Dogges and purchase numerous costly items!

your new hat!

It's only 16 payments of $19.95!

now with built-in nipples!


Rose Colored Glasses

June 20, 2006


While in Target* tonight, AG saw the final argument for why cell phones should be banned across the world and mandatory intelligence testing for all fertile people in America.

Dixie cup was sitting on the floor trying on sandals. AG was aghast at how one person can take up a whole isle of shoes. Then AG hears, “Should I put them on or just take a picture of them?” With that she puts on the shoes and takes a photo. “OK, I’m sending.”

Unbelievable! If you are that insecure that making a shoe purchase now requires you to e-mail your “supposed friend” (notice she doesn’t care enough to come with you) to give you her opinion, you clearly are not responsible enough to own a cell phone. You might also want to consider sterilization because the last thing America needs is another you.

Sometimes it’s like Americans are living as though there isn’t a war going on, gas prices really aren’t offensive, they don’t believe that minimum wage has never been so far from cost of living or seem to notice that a woman still isn’t safe in her own home. If only AG could get such a pair of blinders and talk about inane stuff all day long.

* AG likes to walk around Target, just to look. It’s a form of protest for their refusal to stock the Plan B in pharmacies. It’s kind of like when AG goes to Wal-Mart and only purchases condoms and always from the associate with a big cross around his/her neck. It’s all for shits and giggles!


June 14, 2006


Some days AG misses New York City so much that it becomes painful. Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy? Shouldn’t they live where their life makes the most sense? AG is a coast girl. A little New York or a little California is where it is at. AG is holding steadfast. She has sunshine in a bag and is turning a corner. The future ahead is bright.

{new friends!}

May 26, 2006

Go check out our newest blogrollee, The Brutal Truth.  I first came across TBT on ARAVOSISblog, where his post entitled “Bourgeois Pig” is listed under the “Nothing But a Bunch of Big Girls” blogroll-of-the-damned.  I trust everyone understands that I will pretty much link on anything that says “Bourgeois Pig”?  In that post, he replies to John Aravosis’ request that everyone doesn’t agree with him about everything just go away because we’re distressing the orchids and upsetting his cats and don’t we know he’s fucking important, already??!? with the following:

Blow it out your Georgetown ass! Nobody tells me what website or blog I can visit. Not the NSA, not Charter, not AT&T, not Verizon, not Comcast, not Sen. Shithead, not Rep. Bonehead, not President Lunkhead, and most certainly of all not YOU, you shirt-shilling fuckhead. Last time I checked, you haven’t come over here to TBT, busted out with your goddamned bankcard, clicked the Pay-Pal link under my picture, and greased my wheels.

At that moment, Dear Reader, I decided that the author of TBT is my new best friend!  I want him to hang out with me and talk like that to people I hate, while die of laughter!  I actually blew a carbonated beverage out of my nose when I read “you shirt-shilling fuckhead”, and that sort of hurt.  Anyway, I started poking around, and he’s running a really neat blog with some substantial writing (which is more than you can say for this dump, really).  So go check him out, and tell him Res Publica sent you.

Enjoy the long weekend, loyal subjects, and try not to fuck up Blue Girl’s house too much at the party.

“What do we want?!” Your bullhorn out of my ear, cobag!

March 25, 2006

This morning, I attended San Antonio’s 10th Annual Cesar Chavez March for Justice. I probably would have attended on my own, but that’s beside the point, since my boss required us all to go. (How can she do that, you ask? Well, a) Texas is a so-called “at-will employment” state, which means that your boss can make you do whatever the fuck she wants, since she can fire your ass for no reason at all, and b) non-profits treat their employees like toilet brushes or staplers…just tools to get a job done.)

Directly behind us, an activist group lead by a white guy with a bullhorn chanted “There’s no power like the people’s power, ’cause the people’s power don’t stop!” Which, you know, yeah! Awesome! But also, fuck, man! That bullhorn is three inches from my left ear!

I am totally misunderstood, dude!

This cobag wasn’t there, but 97 others just like him were!

Other slogans chanted by this group:

“Peace in Iraq, justice at home!”

“What do we want?” (Social justice!) “When do we want it?”

…wait for it…


And my personal fave:

“Racist, sexist, anti-gay! Bush and Cheney go away!”

This was the one our staff joined in on, and here’s why I crapped my pants over that: we were actually being paid to be there today. We took a half-day on friday to work this morning. And we all get paid, in case I hadn’t mentioned it, out of government grants.

We justify our participation in events like this as “community outreach”, and have testers on hand, etc. That is reasonable because we are funded to prevent the spread of HIV. However, I think that you could only consider calling the president a racist “HIV prevention” in the same highly theoretical sense that performance art pieces get called “cultural interventions”. Mostly, it looked like federal funds being used for political advocacy. In front of cameras. So that got the ol’ acid reflux going. One of our younger employees was up in front of the banner, jumping around and yelling “fight the power!”. I’m thinkin’ “if we lose this grant up behind some political bullshit, the only thing either of us is gonna be fighting is the line at the unemployment office.”
So yeah, other than that, it was pretty much a bunch of poor people marching through a poor part of town and into downtown, which pretty much only contains tourists during the weekend. Which is all well and good, I suppose, but I think if they really want to protest, they’d march up N. New Braunfels St. into Alamo Heights, or into the lobby of the Marriott River Center, an enormous hotel charging $200 to $300 a night in off-season, but staffed and maintained mostly by immigrants making minimum wage with no benefits. Or held the march on Monday, without permission, to tie up traffic and get the attention of the many people who work at AT&T, Frost Bank, and in the city and county governments.

Also, frankly, lefties have been shouting stuff that starts with “What do we want?!?” since like 1962, and the patriarchy still seems to have its fist firmly implanted in America’s cornhole, so I dunno. It’s fun, but the people who need to hear it are never there when you’re shouting it, and we all know that no matter how passionate and spontaneous and awesome a protest is, it looks utterly fucking retarded on television.

So anyway, 2 cheers for the Cesar Chavez March for Justice. One major ‘Baggie nomination to my boss for forcing us to go.

PS, I tried to mobile live-blog this event as I was marching (that’s LivMogging, for those of you too stupid to know), but WordPressticle is too cobaggy to let me do it from my SideKick.

Songy McVideopants

March 18, 2006

Guess what the World’s Best Boyfriend got the world’s best President of the Republic of Dogs for his birthday!?!

I’ll tell you later. Right now I have to go do this dance for a while:

now I can be a faceless cutout like the rest of you!

Well….okay. In my case, it’s more like this dance:

GOD I'm fucking AWESOME!!

But whatever. I can now carry all my porn in my pocket.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, World’s Best Boyfriend deserves some “quality time”.

Any by “quality time”, I mean “oral sex”.

Sweet dreams!

Now with 48% more suck!

March 13, 2006

Wow, this is really awesome! Check it:

Graph depicting the general public loathing for the Republic of Dogs

Oh, and all those views? That’s me, refreshing my browser about a million times a day to see if anyone left a comment. The other 9 Pinko Punko checking to see if I’ve actually posted for once.

Do I really suck this bad? I think I have more Koufax Award nominations than actual daily readers. Maybe I need to go back to making fun of Kos? But that’s too boring to do all the time. He’s no Amber Pawlik. He doesn’t post recipes.
Oh well, at this rate, I can shut down by mid-April and use what I’m currently spending on web-hosting to buy an extra crack rock!